and to be honest I can't be any more grateful to have left when I did.
I drove around with liz smith last night...we didn't have a set plan, or even any verbal confirmation that we wanted to do this; that we wanted to lose ourselves in a town that we both thought we knew so well..but we did. for hours. and spent that time catching up, laughing, singing horribly off key.
I know at some point in the night we both felt it, but it took some time for me to finally say it out loud:
"I wouldn't be as reckless in school if I was actually happy."
saying it verbally surprised me. I have been thinking that for a while, but saying it to someone made it seem like it was actually real, that I was actually owning up to this realization. I know it's fun to say that we're young, naive, reckless, invincible... but I've done a lot of reckless things in the past, and the consequences of those actions have been putting a toll on me. Pretending to grow-up is not an excuse for the things I have done...for what any of us have done. And I wondered, as I was sitting in the passenger seat of liz's car, windows down and music playing, if I would have felt the pressure to change as much as I have if my 717 friends were still always with me.
When doubting yourself is a constant in a town you can't call your home, how is it possible to make any justifiable decision? When friends judge you for surface level, and don't bother to see what's underneath, how can you find answers to questions the answers that are eating you up inside?
I feel like I haven't been satisfied with what I have become in college.
And with one year left...this thought terrifies me.
is being reckless really worth it?
